The Beauty of Doing Absolutely Nothing Sometimes

Blog 11 — The Beauty of Doing Absolutely Nothing Sometimes

Before I hit 40, having a full schedule was the goal.

Every day, I had a list of things I had mentally impressed upon myself that I needed to get done. That list could be on an app, on paper, or written across a fancy dry-erase board. The method didn’t matter.

What did matter?

The dopamine hit I got from crossing off each item until there was nothing left.

Seriously, the only way I felt accomplished at the end of the day was if I had completed my to-do list and had a clean slate waiting for me the next morning.

Looking back, I realize that maybe I was compensating for not having a traditional job to go to every day. Or maybe, because I hadn’t worked through some of my childhood trauma yet, I was trying to keep my mind too busy to think about it.

I’ve since gone to therapy. That will be a future blog… TBA.

But now, I can’t think of one good damn reason I wore my body to the bone finding things to get mixed up in just so I could stay busy.

Back then, my children were little. They had busy schedules, too—school, homework, playdates, and activities. I’ll never regret the things I organized and planned to bring joy to their childhoods. Those moments created some of the best memories for my husband and me, and I will always cherish them.

But all the work-mode stuff?

Looking back, I can admit that most of it didn’t amount to much in the end.

Of course, they say you’ll never know whether a business idea will work unless you try it. One could also argue that constantly adding new ideas and ventures to the list makes you a jack of all trades, master of none.

Or, in my case, a Jane.

And then there was socializing.

Phew!

I always felt like I couldn’t be happy unless every part of my life was balanced and full.

My marriage was wonderful, thank the Lord.

My kids were happy and healthy.

Work was work. I enjoyed what I did, and it helped pay what it could.

My health could have been better, but little did I know that it would always be an issue.

So, in my mind, the only part of my life that was lacking was friendship.

I gave away far too much of myself trying to have friends. I felt like I had to give people things, do favors, and constantly stay in the loop to make a friendship work.

Looking back, I don’t know why I couldn’t see that I was filling my days by doing things for people who didn’t truly see me as a friend.

I was a glorified dunce who couldn’t see that I was being used.

Even when I was “socializing” with these people, I never felt fulfilled. I felt like a fake.

So, what was the damn point?

I guess what I’m getting at is that, in my 40s, I’ve realized there is real beauty in choosing wisely what you do with your time.

When we make decisions, they are usually propelled by a yearning for something specific—success, friendship, belonging, or the feeling that we’re doing enough. So how could we have known that what we were chasing might have been part of the problem?

At the time, it felt like the right thing to do.

Now, I realize our 20s were meant for making mistakes and finding ourselves. Our 30s are for settling down. And our 40s are the beginning of realizing what actually matters.

I’ll let you know about the 50s once I’ve lived them.

Looking back, I see a young woman who didn’t take the time to figure out what she truly valued. Instead, she tried to please people who were never supposed to be VIPs in her life.

I see a mother trying to become this big business professional so she could give her family a better life and help her husband carry the burden—while missing the fact that, at the end of the day, money doesn’t replace memories.

But now, I think I’ve developed a thought process that helps me choose the things that serve my family and me best.

I’ve also learned how versatile the word no is.

It’s a complete sentence, they say.

What it comes down to is accepting that it’s okay if every pillar of your life isn’t standing completely upright all the time.

Being busy doesn’t heal the inner turmoil that needs your attention.

Sometimes, being helpful to your family means simply being there.

And it’s okay if you don’t need the company of a long list of friends. I guarantee that one or two special gems of friendship will outweigh a room full of people who don’t truly know you.

You may even find more joy in saying no to an event, idea, or task.

Just think about how relieved you’ve felt after canceling plans in the past.

Fucking stellar relief.

Am I right?

Sometimes, beauty comes from doing absolutely nothing.

From being content with the status quo.

Sometimes, pleasing yourself—

No. Stop it. You know what you thought.

—and the people you love—

Again, get your mind out of the gutter. But keep the laugh.

—is what will bring you the most peace.

A to-do list doesn’t need to have anything on it to be complete. And if you can’t stand missing out on the satisfaction of crossing things off, slap a few things on that list that bring you joy:

Read a book.

Drink your coffee while it’s still hot.

Sit with the people you love.

Rest without apologizing for it.

So, remember: When you’re resting on the couch, reading a book while your better half games beside you, that counts as a full schedule.

We only have so much time in this beautiful life.

Start choosing to spend yours on the things—and the people—truly worth it.