Marriage isn't 50/50

Blog 10 — Marriage Isn’t Always 50/50

Marriage.

If you are so inclined, when you’re young, it feels like a fairy tale where you and your lover get to play house—only you don’t play.

You house.

Once you grow up together in said marriage, you start to realize—and appreciate—the fact that this is not actually how marriage works.

First, you have the honeymoon phase, where every little idiosyncrasy each of you has is considered cute. Nothing is annoying, and there is nowhere you’d rather be than with that person.

Preferably in bed.

Then, somewhere around the seven-year mark, you start to feel like you’re ready to rediscover a little individualism again, but with the comfort of knowing you always have each other’s backs.

This might mean guys’ or girls’ nights out with date nights mixed in. You have your own interests, your own friends, and your own things going on—but at the end of the day, you’re back in each other’s arms sharing all the latest tea.

Of course, you have more questions than he has answers, but I digress.

Sidebar: Why do men not ask the pertinent questions?!

Don’t they wonder why their buddy broke up with his girlfriend?

Why hasn’t the neighbor’s wife been home in weeks?!

Or, at the very least, WHAT TIME DOES THE HOLIDAY PARTY START AT WORK?!

Anyway.

Once you get into the 15-, 20-plus-year territory, you’re probably in your 40s by now. You have discovered the wonderful life of “no fucks at all,” man and woman alike.

Now your shared goal every day is simply to finish all the adult responsibilities so you can both chill in the living room at night.

Sitting next to each other.

One reading.

The other gaming.

Perfectly content.

Then, on the weekends, you both break off into your respective corners of the house to tinker, craft, game, read, or do whatever makes you happy.

But ultimately?

You’ll end up right back on the couch together.

The other thing you bond over, if you have kids, is bullying them.

Lovingly, of course.

Technically, both my husband and I are only children. I was 100% an only child, while my husband and his sibling are ten years apart, so he basically got the only-child experience for a while.

Naturally, we now live vicariously through our children by acting like additional siblings—albeit siblings with parental powers.

The main goal isn’t to torture them.

It’s to keep them humble and remind them who the superior generations are.

Gen X and Xennial here.

Respect your elders, children.

Through all the seasons of marriage, though, I’ve learned one incredibly important thing:

Marriage isn’t always 50/50.

When he has a bad day, I want to brighten his mood. Maybe I’ll make his favorite dish and wash the dishes—which he usually does—or get everything ready so that when he gets home, he can unwind a little quicker.

Of course, our beautiful girls help me, especially because I’m often working around an autoimmune flare.

That might be a 60/40 day.

Likewise, when I’m in a flare, he carries us through without complaint. He knows that if I could do it all, I would—but sometimes my body simply won’t cooperate.

That could be a 60/40 day.

Or week.

Or month.

Let’s be real. During a bad flare, we might as well call that shit 0/100.

Flares suck.

He makes a living that supports us all.

I organize the household, handle the paperwork, and pay the bills every week.

He fixes shit around the house.

I, with the help of our girls, clean it.

Or break it.

He handles chores outside the house.

I make sure everyone’s doctor appointments are scheduled and maintained.

I worry.

He reminds me not to worry.

That last one is a necessity and is approximately 100% him.

At the end of the week, we might have one of those finish-each-other’s-sentence conversations that goes something like this:

Him: “Hey, did you pay the—”

Me: “You know it. Did you fix the thingy?”

Him: “Done deal. Remember to order the refills for the—”

Me: “You kidding? That’s on auto-ship, bud. Don’t wanna miss out on those. Hey, can you take Ruth to—”

Him: “Already got off work. We’re good.”

All is done.

All is well.

Cue the couch for our weekend gaming-and-reading binge.

Life is better this way because no one should have to do it all.

With communication and organization, a household can run like a well-oiled machine. Not because every responsibility is divided perfectly down the middle, but because everyone knows they aren’t carrying their part alone.

The secret to success is pretty simple:

Say when you need help.

Notice when your partner needs help.

Be patient with each other through all of it.

And always know you have each other’s back.

It takes practice. It takes communication. And sometimes it takes recognizing that your partner only has 20% to give today, so you’re going to have to bring the other 80%.

Because you know damn well there will be a day when the numbers are reversed.

Once you find that rhythm, though, it’s freeing.

There is peace in knowing that you don’t have to keep score.

You don’t have to measure who washed more dishes, made more money, scheduled more appointments, changed more diapers, drove more miles, or had the harder day.

You just have to keep choosing each other.

Marriage isn’t about keeping the scores even.

It’s about keeping the happiness going.